I really like the idea of writing down my thoughts. I don't really even care if anyone reads them, because it feels good to get it out of my head. In fact, I have so many books for this purpose and I just bought another the other day! Hey, I couldn't help it. It is pink and purple with white roses and a butterfly on it. The design must've been conceived with me in mind! I'll save it for the stuff I don't want posted on the internet. Anyway, back to the purging of my thoughts.
I spend a lot of time alone. Jessie works out of town during the week and since Landon has been out of school for the summer he's been with various grandparents most of the time. It's just me and the dogs most days. Gives me a lot of time to think and I'm not so sure it always serves my best interests. Then again, I love my privacy too. This last Saturday was really fantastic though! I was social, and I am at my core very social.
On Saturday my son and I went to a barbecue in my hometown and I was able to see lots of old friends. It felt really great to see them all. We didn't do much reliving of the "glory" days, but we did catch up! Later on we moved the party to another house with the promise of being serenaded by Darin and Kevin Little! It was fantastic! I used to sing with Darin all the time in High School, and they wanted me to join in with them. It felt like going back to my roots. We sang the night away. I didn't know any of the new country songs, but when we got to the old country and classic rock I was able to lend my harmonies. It was so good for my soul! They also asked to hear a bit of opera, so I sang a verse of Song to the Moon for them a capella. They loved it. It was really cool to hear them say that opera wasn't what they expected at all! A lot of people avoid it because I think they're expecting screeching and warbling. Maybe I can introduce some folks back home to the music that is most inspiring to me!
Anyway, we had so much fun together that Darin has invited me to come and perform a few songs with his band next month. I'm looking forward to it. I'm at home when I'm singing and it doesn't matter much what I'm singing to find that home again. We finally called it a night at 2:00 AM and I woke my son up to drive him back to my mom's house then on home for me. I sang all the way home. :0)
It was a wonderful day. Oh, and the next day when I got on the scale I had lost 1.5 lbs! It was a nice surprise after having been to a barbecue, although I was very careful. Plus the pictures of me that were posted on Facebook from the barbecue I didn't hate. I didn't LOVE them, but at least I didn't hate. I can see the changes happening! YAY ME!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I had an epiphany dangit! Now I can't sleep!
So, here I am at 2:19 AM. Can't sleep! But boy do I love Yoga! I thought I'd do it before bed tonight to clear my mind and feel good as I drifted off to sleep. Yes, good idea I know, but it didn't quite work out that way. Sure, I feel wonderful, but opening up and meditating on the poses put me in a beautiful space. A space that brought me to my epiphany. And the epiphany was about singing!
I've had them before and they always serve me wonderfully. Let me first explain to those who don't understand what it's like to get up in front of people and expose your soul through song and performance how difficult it can be to overcome the terror of that experience.
When I first began studying classical voice I was a complete novice. I had never even heard an aria and knew that's what it was. I started my studies at Mesa State College in Grand Junction, CO, and the beauty and talent of my peers instilled in me a feeling of inferiority. As I moved on to Sonoma State University I was doing pretty well singing wise, but this being unsure was still with me. It was easier to sing for an audience than a panel of judges during auditions or competitions, but even so it was still difficult. I remember how I'd feel walking in to these situations. I felt apologetic for what the audience or panel was sure to have to endure while I sang. Silly right? But very real. The knees and legs shaking uncontrollably. Feeling as though I might throw up or pass out at any given moment. Not fun!
The first time this was drawn to my attention was during a master class. I got up and performed my aria and afterward I literally apologized for any critique I received. Another soprano who had participated in the master class later told me, after she asked if it was ok for her to offer some advice, that I really must stop apologizing for myself. Even if I didn't say it aloud it was clear to my listeners that I didn't feel worthy of their attention. I soaked in everything she said. After all, she was much better than I was. :0) Words can be great advice, but until it's internalized personally, words won't mean much. So came my first epiphany!
I was running late for an audition one night. As is my usual routine I had not gotten my music together and had to stop by the office I was working at the time to make copies for the pianist and put it together in my folder. While I was at the copy machine inside, a lady who worked at the office next door came in and told me that she had just backed in to my car! I didn't have time for this! I started to freak out. The damage wasn't bad, but my main concern was that I was already running late and this was just something I didn't need right then! I told her it was fine and we didn't need to exchange insurance information. I had to get going anyway. Well, I still had an hour and a half to drive to the audition location and I was panic stricken. I called ahead and told them of my situation and that I might be late. They were alright with that and were happy that I was not hurt. I got to the audition on time and with all of that worry, on top of something worrisome that had been going on with my son at the time, I was drained and no longer nervous about the audition. I went in and sang the Queen of the Night's vengeance aria with ease! I didn't care any longer whether or not the auditors would be impressed. I was there to sing dammit and there it was! Aha! Screw you people! I'm gonna sing and you're gonna like it!
Oh this was liberating. I had discovered a way to reclaim my power! I began to go to each audition and competition with this confidence and no more was I the apologetic wilting flower. It worked! And I've been doing this for years. I call it my "give them the bird and sing" method. Well there's another step after that. In every other part of my life I've been learning to step up my feelings gradually until I was happy, loving, light energy, but with singing I've been in this take the world by storm mode for a long time. It has served me well enough. Only once have I gone beyond this stage, and I didn't understand it at the time. Not until tonight.
Years later, I was auditioning for the Great Marilyn Horne! She was the very first opera singer I had ever heard of. I didn't know her work when I had first heard her name, but my grandma did and she loved her dearly. My grandma would go on and on about Ms Horne and her beautiful singing. This endeared her to me. On this occasion I had taken the time to meditate for at least an hour prior to my audition. During the meditation I saw a beautiful lily blooming next to a fountain, and I thought "That lily doesn't question its purpose. It just blooms". Then I saw a hummingbird pause at that lily for a sip and I thought "If that hummingbird for a moment questioned how it flies he would surely fall! He is a hummingbird and hummingbirds fly! I am a singer and I sing!" So with this final thought I went in to sing. I was so calm and happy and centered that there were no nerves. I looked at Ms Horne and without my old standby "give 'em the bird" I loved her. I wanted to sing for her. I opened my heart and the aria poured out of me. It was my first, and last to date, out of body "spiritual" experience while singing. I didn't have to put forth any effort whatsoever. It just happened! I wasn't listening to myself and critiquing myself as I sang. When I was finished I entered my body again and knew that I had participated in something beautiful! It had been art. She spoke to me for some time afterward, and asked if I would be ready to perform any piece on my repertoire list. She was impressed with the size of my voice, and had reservations as to whether or not I could still sing the freaky high notes of Constanze's aria that I had listed. I said I would. I left the audition room and waited to hear if I would be called back for a second round. I knew I would be!
While waiting singers started to flock around me. They wanted to know who I was and what type of repertoire I sang. It was such a wonderful feeling. I never wanted it to end. I was indeed called back and for a VERY short time I was on top of the world. Then I started to let those silly nerves come back. "Oh no! I'm going to let her down after that! How can I possibly do that again when I've never done it before?"
As I entered to sing again, this time in front of a much larger audience of more auditors and supporters of the program, I walked right past the panel of judges. Marilyn leaned in and said to Warren Jones, "This is the one who sang Song to the Moon." My mind started to race as I climbed the stairs to the piano, "OH GOD! They have been talking about me! I'm going to ruin it here!" So . . . I sang, and while I made no mistakes it wasn't magical. I was in my head. I was questioning how it was that I could fly, so I fell. And I've been trying to fly ever since. Sometimes I've almost gotten there, but never since have I soared like that.
Tonight's epiphany will get me there I know it!
What's better than fear? Anger. What's better than anger? Defiance. What's better than defiance? Strength. What's better than strength? LOVE! What I strive for in my daily life I will bring to my performance. Sure, the meditation calmed me. It gave me a knowing that I was a singer and all I had to do was sing. I didn't need to pick apart every note while I was singing. Just sing! But the thing that I had that day that I haven't intellectualized until tonight was love. When I walk onto the stage or platform or where ever I will love the people I see, the air I breath, the pianist supporting me, the beautiful music. I am the audience and they are me! I want to truly connect and share and open up. I want to bring them to me. Bring them to the very place I am while I'm singing. When I'm able to do that again it will be magic. It will be art!
Now, maybe I can sleep!
I've had them before and they always serve me wonderfully. Let me first explain to those who don't understand what it's like to get up in front of people and expose your soul through song and performance how difficult it can be to overcome the terror of that experience.
When I first began studying classical voice I was a complete novice. I had never even heard an aria and knew that's what it was. I started my studies at Mesa State College in Grand Junction, CO, and the beauty and talent of my peers instilled in me a feeling of inferiority. As I moved on to Sonoma State University I was doing pretty well singing wise, but this being unsure was still with me. It was easier to sing for an audience than a panel of judges during auditions or competitions, but even so it was still difficult. I remember how I'd feel walking in to these situations. I felt apologetic for what the audience or panel was sure to have to endure while I sang. Silly right? But very real. The knees and legs shaking uncontrollably. Feeling as though I might throw up or pass out at any given moment. Not fun!
The first time this was drawn to my attention was during a master class. I got up and performed my aria and afterward I literally apologized for any critique I received. Another soprano who had participated in the master class later told me, after she asked if it was ok for her to offer some advice, that I really must stop apologizing for myself. Even if I didn't say it aloud it was clear to my listeners that I didn't feel worthy of their attention. I soaked in everything she said. After all, she was much better than I was. :0) Words can be great advice, but until it's internalized personally, words won't mean much. So came my first epiphany!
I was running late for an audition one night. As is my usual routine I had not gotten my music together and had to stop by the office I was working at the time to make copies for the pianist and put it together in my folder. While I was at the copy machine inside, a lady who worked at the office next door came in and told me that she had just backed in to my car! I didn't have time for this! I started to freak out. The damage wasn't bad, but my main concern was that I was already running late and this was just something I didn't need right then! I told her it was fine and we didn't need to exchange insurance information. I had to get going anyway. Well, I still had an hour and a half to drive to the audition location and I was panic stricken. I called ahead and told them of my situation and that I might be late. They were alright with that and were happy that I was not hurt. I got to the audition on time and with all of that worry, on top of something worrisome that had been going on with my son at the time, I was drained and no longer nervous about the audition. I went in and sang the Queen of the Night's vengeance aria with ease! I didn't care any longer whether or not the auditors would be impressed. I was there to sing dammit and there it was! Aha! Screw you people! I'm gonna sing and you're gonna like it!
Oh this was liberating. I had discovered a way to reclaim my power! I began to go to each audition and competition with this confidence and no more was I the apologetic wilting flower. It worked! And I've been doing this for years. I call it my "give them the bird and sing" method. Well there's another step after that. In every other part of my life I've been learning to step up my feelings gradually until I was happy, loving, light energy, but with singing I've been in this take the world by storm mode for a long time. It has served me well enough. Only once have I gone beyond this stage, and I didn't understand it at the time. Not until tonight.
Years later, I was auditioning for the Great Marilyn Horne! She was the very first opera singer I had ever heard of. I didn't know her work when I had first heard her name, but my grandma did and she loved her dearly. My grandma would go on and on about Ms Horne and her beautiful singing. This endeared her to me. On this occasion I had taken the time to meditate for at least an hour prior to my audition. During the meditation I saw a beautiful lily blooming next to a fountain, and I thought "That lily doesn't question its purpose. It just blooms". Then I saw a hummingbird pause at that lily for a sip and I thought "If that hummingbird for a moment questioned how it flies he would surely fall! He is a hummingbird and hummingbirds fly! I am a singer and I sing!" So with this final thought I went in to sing. I was so calm and happy and centered that there were no nerves. I looked at Ms Horne and without my old standby "give 'em the bird" I loved her. I wanted to sing for her. I opened my heart and the aria poured out of me. It was my first, and last to date, out of body "spiritual" experience while singing. I didn't have to put forth any effort whatsoever. It just happened! I wasn't listening to myself and critiquing myself as I sang. When I was finished I entered my body again and knew that I had participated in something beautiful! It had been art. She spoke to me for some time afterward, and asked if I would be ready to perform any piece on my repertoire list. She was impressed with the size of my voice, and had reservations as to whether or not I could still sing the freaky high notes of Constanze's aria that I had listed. I said I would. I left the audition room and waited to hear if I would be called back for a second round. I knew I would be!
While waiting singers started to flock around me. They wanted to know who I was and what type of repertoire I sang. It was such a wonderful feeling. I never wanted it to end. I was indeed called back and for a VERY short time I was on top of the world. Then I started to let those silly nerves come back. "Oh no! I'm going to let her down after that! How can I possibly do that again when I've never done it before?"
As I entered to sing again, this time in front of a much larger audience of more auditors and supporters of the program, I walked right past the panel of judges. Marilyn leaned in and said to Warren Jones, "This is the one who sang Song to the Moon." My mind started to race as I climbed the stairs to the piano, "OH GOD! They have been talking about me! I'm going to ruin it here!" So . . . I sang, and while I made no mistakes it wasn't magical. I was in my head. I was questioning how it was that I could fly, so I fell. And I've been trying to fly ever since. Sometimes I've almost gotten there, but never since have I soared like that.
Tonight's epiphany will get me there I know it!
What's better than fear? Anger. What's better than anger? Defiance. What's better than defiance? Strength. What's better than strength? LOVE! What I strive for in my daily life I will bring to my performance. Sure, the meditation calmed me. It gave me a knowing that I was a singer and all I had to do was sing. I didn't need to pick apart every note while I was singing. Just sing! But the thing that I had that day that I haven't intellectualized until tonight was love. When I walk onto the stage or platform or where ever I will love the people I see, the air I breath, the pianist supporting me, the beautiful music. I am the audience and they are me! I want to truly connect and share and open up. I want to bring them to me. Bring them to the very place I am while I'm singing. When I'm able to do that again it will be magic. It will be art!
Now, maybe I can sleep!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The beginning . . . kind of
Well, today I thought I might start posting in the blog space I've had for years. I always have so much on my mind, as do all of us, and it seems not many places to purge it all. What's on my mind right now though . . . FAT!
I have to learn to love myself. I've lost 30 lbs since mid April and that's a great start, but how did I get fat in the first place? Truth is, I've always hated my body. That's where I went wrong. Hating my body didn't make me want to take care of it. And I shouldn't have ever hated it! Not now and not ever. I think back to the good ol' days, but in those days I hated it too. It just kept getting worse. My own self destruction.
Finally I'm eating right. Now for the exercise part.
Since mid April I've been keeping track of everything I eat and weighing myself daily. For exercise I want to do something that feels good. I think it might be yoga and pilates for me. I've started. Hopefully I can continue with it. I'm hoping to be at my high school weight by October so I can go back to California for auditions this year and see if that helps. That's not so shocking. I was "overweight" in high school too. Remember the previously mentioned "good ol' days"?
Everyone always tells me how talented I am in singing, and I've had some success. But the success has come up short lately. It has a lot to do with location. I've had to move back to Colorado because of the economy crash, but even before when I lived in Northern California I think I could have had better chances if I hadn't been so fat. Strike that, I KNOW I would have had better chances.
We'll see if I'm as talented as everyone says. All I've ever wanted in life was to sing.
I have to learn to love myself. I've lost 30 lbs since mid April and that's a great start, but how did I get fat in the first place? Truth is, I've always hated my body. That's where I went wrong. Hating my body didn't make me want to take care of it. And I shouldn't have ever hated it! Not now and not ever. I think back to the good ol' days, but in those days I hated it too. It just kept getting worse. My own self destruction.
Finally I'm eating right. Now for the exercise part.
Since mid April I've been keeping track of everything I eat and weighing myself daily. For exercise I want to do something that feels good. I think it might be yoga and pilates for me. I've started. Hopefully I can continue with it. I'm hoping to be at my high school weight by October so I can go back to California for auditions this year and see if that helps. That's not so shocking. I was "overweight" in high school too. Remember the previously mentioned "good ol' days"?
Everyone always tells me how talented I am in singing, and I've had some success. But the success has come up short lately. It has a lot to do with location. I've had to move back to Colorado because of the economy crash, but even before when I lived in Northern California I think I could have had better chances if I hadn't been so fat. Strike that, I KNOW I would have had better chances.
We'll see if I'm as talented as everyone says. All I've ever wanted in life was to sing.
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